Why Do I Keep Choosing The Short-term Payoff?

It's looking like I need to rein in my petulant inner teenager.  I was really a pretty good teen at the time, no major rebellions or anything.  But now, I am finding that the force that kept me alive during the worst of my anxiety and depression is not terribly willing to be relegated to the role of passenger after having that taste of being the driver.

It seems like in almost every situation of short-term vs. long-term gain, the short-term gain is chosen even before things are really thought through.  The teenager, in league with my lizard brain, pounces on any present comfort, completely disregarding the effect of this choice on future outcomes.  For this reason, for example, I am having a terrible time working on the illustration project I've promised to do because I have to get my stuff together, find a clear place or clear a place, and print out some pictures before starting.  This is all too much for me to make myself do, apparently... so far.  Which is, of course, ridiculous.  In short, my Christmas tree ornaments are scattered all over my big desk and I have been unwilling to deal with putting them away in order to get started.  That and printing out the pictures involves my bringing my laptop downstairs and plugging it into the printer.  It sounds so ridiculous!

Self-hating Saturday

When I played a sport or worked toward a degree I remember being told that one has to do it for oneself, not for someone else. It's logical then to conclude that it is unacceptable to be living for someone else and not for yourself.

Mockingjayed-Out

 OK, this is just a rambling, somewhat incoherent stream of consciousness that is probably not worth reading.  I'm not going to re-read it tonight anyway.  But it's what I've got.  It's probably whiny.  I won't feel bad if you don't read it.

I just finished reading The Hunger Games, Catching Fire, and Mockingjay (by Suzanne Collins) for the second time.  I didn't get enough sleep last night and spent a lot of time crying today, mirror neurons in overdrive, mourning the corruption of perfect love in one character.  I felt so stupid for being so affected by a person, a character, that's not even real.  But I was also crying for other reasons, I think.

Pigs, Rainbows, and the Invisible Gun

I don't really want to write tonight.  My molar hurts and I don't know if it's one of the ones I know needs to be worked-on or not.  I refuse to deal with it or acknowledge it.  I want to stay lying on my stomach in my daughter's pinkly-lit room on her bed, next to her, with my little son on the makeshift trundle on my right.  I want to lie with the beginning chapters of Charlotte's Web on my mind, dimly remembering playing on and under the unfinished basement steps of my childhood, pretending to be Templeton, the rat, after watching the cartoon special.  In those days, you could see between the steps and children could play in the space under them, in the

Vomiting meds is not helpful.

Getty Images

I am assuming that I am feeling the fall-out from being so sick Sunday night and having vomited my meds and effectively skipped them for a night.  I took it easy Monday and didn't judge myself too harshly for it.  But yesterday was not good.  My husband got my daughter to school and I got my son off to daycare.  As usual, he did not want me to leave him there and he clung to me.  Luckily, a teacher was able to entice him to play soccer and he gave me three kisses goodbye and I was able to leave the playground without a scene.  As soon as I walked back into his classroom (I had to go back through the building to get out) the tears started.  I looked out the window and saw all the kids playing and the grown-ups taking care of them and wished that I could go out and be one of them. 

My Lizard Brain Loves Chic-fil-A Sauce and Naps

First, let us establish that both Chic-fil-A sauce and Dr. Pepper are made with crack.  (No, this is not a comment about Whitney Houston.)  I am just so terribly hooked on having waffle fries with Chic-fil-A sauce that I think it is going to be a real problem with regard to weight loss.  I had a large fry with sauce for breakfast/lunch and a medium Dr. Pepper.  Then my daughter insisted that what she wanted most in the world for her "girl time" after school snack (my son was in daycare) was to go to Chic-fil-A.  Being the ever-dutiful mother, after some grousing about not spending more money there (I am such a hypocrite), we went and sat in the two-person table just like she wanted.  And I had another small fry with sauce and a medium Dr. Pepper.

LEED Let-down

Today I stepped on the scale and saw that I've gained 10lbs since before the Holidays.  So instead of the pancakes that I wanted for breakfast, I ordered eggs instead.  I shouldn't have eaten my toast but I did (my husband's regimen that I try to follow loosely has him eating no non-vegetable carbs during the week except on Saturdays, when he can have whatever he wants.  Trying to do it strictly stressed me out, which I don't need, so I've been more lenient.  Since the Holidays though, I've been exhibiting no control over eating whatsoever and there's been a lot of ice cream and soda.)

After breakfast we and the kids visited a nature center near where my husband works.

An Unexpected Day of Crisis

Valery Milovic, Grief  (http://brokentoyland.com)

This is going to be a little rough because I am going to edit it as little as possible.  I'm only skimming it over once because I don't want to get back into feeling that way by pouring over this.  So this is basically how I felt on Wednesday.  It rambles a little, but might help you feel like you're not the only crazy mom in the gym at your kid's school function.  We're hiding...some less effectively than others.



I had the worst day yesterday that I've had for a long time.  Why is it that the terrible days are the ones that never seem to end?  As you might have guessed from Tuesday's post, I was sick to my stomach all that day and into the night.

TOOLBOX: Seeing a Psychiatrist or Psychologist is No Big Deal.

http://psychology23.blogspot.com/2008/11/vii-psychology-today.html

 
Now for the 2nd in our "No Big Deal" series:  What is it like to see to a psychiatrist or go to psychotherapy/"talk" therapy/"counseling" appointment?  

All together now, "It's No Big Deal."





I am trying to remember my first counseling appointment.  I think I actually saw a psychiatrist (a psychologist with a M.D. who can prescribe medication) first, back in 1997.  Then I saw a University-employed psychologist for talk therapy.  Additionally, I did group therapy at the University (usually a small group that meets with a psychologist-leader all together).  After that I graduated and wasn't seeing anyone for a while, then I went back to seeing a (new) psychologist.  Then I moved here, got off medication and was on my  own for several years.  I saw a psychologist while I was pregnant just in case I got post-partum depression, which I did.  I then came to be a patient of my current psychiatrist (a M.D. and Ph.D. who specializes in women's mental health).  I switched to a new psychologist and also joined a women's Cognitive Therapy group that meets twice a month.  So my experience with this adds up to: two psychiatrists and five psychologists.

TOOLBOX: Light box therapy

Sun. Photo courtesy of gr33n3gg, Flickr.

What's in your "toolbox" for coping with the symptoms and stresses of living with anxiety and/or depression?  I will be going through various tools one by one, so if you see a post labeled with "Toolbox" you'll know it's one of these.  

Sometimes it is a good idea to have a note to yourself listing all the tools (physical and mental) that you have at your disposal when you find yourself in the middle of a panic attack or depressive episode so you don't have to think about what to do.  You can just go down the list.


Perhaps you are familiar with the term S.A.D. or Seasonal Affective Disorder?  It is a type of depression that occurs mainly in the fall and winter (in the Northern hemisphere, opposite for you all down South) when days get shorter and nights get longer.  This might be your entire problem or it could be an aspect of a larger depressive disorder or accompanied by anxiety or other issues.  One way S.A.D. is treated is by using light box therapy,

Get Off My Chest - Part 2

Image: Masterfile.com

2.  To my high school field hockey coach:  I know this is pathetic, but I have been needing to get this off my chest for about half my life.  Consequently, I remember details of events that should have long been forgotten because I have been wanting to rebuke you these past 20 years.  If you even remember me, which I doubt, you might guess what I'm going to rant on here.  More likely, you have no idea what a hand you played in who I am today and this is going to be a bit of a sideswipe. 

Get Off My Chest - Part 1

http://m.tacker.org/blog/830.la-z-boy-redford.html

Now that I am here, safely ensconced in an overstuffed leather comfy chair at Starbucks and the kiddos are in the free childcare service that they have here at Annapolis Mall (Annapolis, MD, USA),  the less-than-a-respectably-adequate-mother-passing-her-children-off-to-strangers feeling I always get from taking advantage of that service is being diluted by warm, reassuring chai.

I have a few things to say to certain people.  Some of them are long though, so I'm going to break it up. 

Wheatgrass Juice Shots

http://www.floridaherbhouse.com/
wheatgrass_juice_powder/wheatgrassjuicepowder1.htm

WOW are there a lot of "Mommy blogs" out there!  I had no idea!  If I tried to read even a significant number of them that are mainly about depression or post-partum depression I'd have little time for anything else.  Here are a few that I've bookmarked for future reading:

Postpartum Progress
Life UneXpected
The Reluctant Mom's Blog
Depressed (but not unhappy) Mormon Mommy
PPD Survivor

Just a quick note for tonight.  My kids are hooked on Smoothie King.  We have one located here in the Waugh Chapel shopping center in Crofton, MD (USA).  I've had a couple of different smoothies and they were both great.  Today for some reason I decided I'd try something they offer, a 1 oz. shot of wheatgrass juice.  Anyone try this before? 

The Payoff of Laziness?

The Paper Source: Cupcake Apron

 So the other night I came up with around 45 possible topics and I don't want to do any one of them right now.  So I'm just going to go with the events of the day and see where the stream of consciousness takes me.  Hopefully I won't ramble too badly.


My daughter is in bed with me.  She just came in. Apparently she's cold.  She may have just been missing me.  I was not home for bedtime tonight as I was attending my Women's Cognitive Therapy Group.  This is the group to which the X and Y post's exercise belongs.  I came away with two assignments:

1) Choose a body part each day that I can accept for just that day without judgement.

2) Come up with a list of the payoffs of inactivity in the household to me.  What's in it for me when I decline to do the chores I need to do, considering that I then feel really bad about it. 

SIGH.  I suppose I can do this.  I don't know about the body part thing.