Monday, January 23, 2012

Bedtime

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I fell asleep with my daughter again.  I usually don't but the last two bedtimes I have.  Our bedtime ritual with the kids is SO much more involved that it ever was for me growing up.  As a kid,  my sister and I would say good night to my Dad---you could not just disappear, you had to announce you were going to bed and say good night---go upstairs, brush teeth, get into bed, say The Lord's Prayer for Mom, and that was it.  There was no haggling, chasing, cajoling, whining, threatening, etc.  My husband doesn't believe this by the way, despite the fact that this is the accounting he receives from myself, my sister, and my dad.  With my kids?  Ha.
  First of all, let me premise this with the fact that it's my husband who is mostly in charge of bedtime in our house.  If it had been me, I am SURE bedtime would be much more like what I grew up with: calm, sedate, pleasant, peaceful. My husband is rolling his eyes.  Anyway, I usually get to bow out for the beginning of their getting ready and sit at the dinner table and look at a magazine for a few minutes in blessed solitude after a day home with the little monsters.

So Daddy gets the kids upstairs after what seems like half an hour, but is probably only minutes, of orders and threats.  Then each of the kids or both come back down to get me or start yelling from the top of the stairs for me.  I yell back that I'm COMING or chase escapees back up the steps.  After the fight to get pjs on there is the fight to get teeth brushed.  This is where I usually come up the stairs, announce that I can't believe my daughter is not all ready yet and ask what in the world she's been doing.  Then I go get into MY pjs.  Also at some point here is the administration of some melatonin to help the kids sleep.  Our kids don't get sleepy and calm down on their own, they ramp up in energy level until they pass out unless there is some mediation, whose suggestion was gratefully received from our pediatrician.  Every once in a while we try to go without and one day we won't need the melatonin, but for now it just makes everything SO much easier for us AND the kids.

After that there is the reading.  My son gets three picture books or so,  usually read by my husband, and my daughter will sometimes catch some of that.  But usually I do her reading concurrently, which right now is a great kids book about the periodic table of elements or an encyclopedia of space.  (Did I mention my husband and I put the N in nerds?  He has a PhD in astrophysics and I have a MS in wildlife biology.  We did just finish the Little House on the Prairie series though.  It's not like there's NO humanities here.)  While I'm reading to my daughter, my son comes in and gives hugs and kisses good night and is either convinced to get in his own bed where my husband commences singing to a couple of the songs from the Kenny Loggins lullaby CD my mom gave me, starting with The House at Pooh Corner.  When he finishes he comes in to sing to my daughter OR there are tears and hysterics next door followed by my son coming in and lying across the foot of my daughter's bed begging to sleep there for the night.

In any case, after my daughter's reading I lie down on my right side next to her on her bed and put my left arm over her.  She arranges it into the optimum position, known only to her, and everyone is ready for songs.  My husband sings a capella Are You Going to Scarborough Fair and then 500 Miles.  At that point he is done with his part in the routine.  He sets her sleeping music to play from my old green iPod Mini docked in her pink speaker desk lamp, and I rest and  listen to Midnight Oil's Diesel and Dust album until the kids are asleep.

So that's a tad bit more involved than the way it was when I was a kid.  Like I said, I've asked my sister and my father if there was any of the histrionics we experience at bedtime but they've both reiterated what I tell my husband and he doesn't believe, that it wasn't a big deal, we just went upstairs, got ready and got into bed.  The whole thing took minutes and then my mother LEFT.  My kids can't stand to be alone, well my son can't.  And they both can't bear for us to leave while they are conscious.  This is our fault.  Well, I blame my husband.  He dutifully accepts the blame.  This is an ongoing pattern and key arrangement within our marriage.  I blame him, saying, "I blame YOU, " and he accepts sheepishly, saying, "I know.  It's my fault."  Then we grin.

9 comments:

  1. Wow, reading that makes me tired. But every parent does things differently and it's difficult to get into a good routine - and very easy to get into a complicated bedtime routine!

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    1. Exactly, and since I can blame the husband, I do. :) I'm sure it will simplify over time. If not, at some point I won't be able to take it anymore and will have to put on my family-hardass panties and lay down the law.

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  2. What would happen if you let the two kidlets sleep in the same bed?

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    1. I like "kidlets." Hee hee.
      Yes, they do often sleep in the same bed, Willow's, with Sky lying along the foot of the bed perpendicular to Willow. We've joked that we just ought to get bunk beds in that room and use the other as a play room. Sky's bed is still the crib, with one side taken off. Willow is starting to resist this arrangement as she is very particular about everything being arranged just so when she goes to bed and Sky sometimes touches her feet (GASP!). I just keep telling myself they're not going to be like this when they're 10 and to enjoy them needing and wanting us to be there. + see above comment

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  3. As always there are as many theories on the subject as stars in the sky (no pun intended but hehee)... I'm not a parent but have witnessed both success and failure with opposing schools of thought - all of which are available in book form from qualified professionals.

    The Zero Sum Philosophy is supposed to teach about actions and consequences. If you don't eat what's in front of you, then you will go to bed without any dinner (or dessert or midnight snacks). Even as a non-parent I know the fallout from such an endeavor but over prolonged time, it can be useful!

    Indulgence vs. Love. Everybody loves their kids and no one wants to be the Bad Guy... which is why having a live-in 24/7 robot parent would be a useful disciplinary tool. Sci-fi and Simpsons Halloween episodes have taught us this is disastrous as often as it may be useful! From experience with you Bursmiths, lack of love is not the issue but I guess everyone finds their own balance!

    You two are educated scientists. Don't you have all the answers to life, the universe and everything yet?

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    1. 42. Yes, we've been doing the natural consequences thing with meals. Sky will NOT eat at mealtimes and holds out for sweet things. Consequently, most nights he is complaining that he is hungry, but too bad. Then breakfast will be especially yummy. There is no post-dinner snacking. I just really don't want him to have the experience of being frightened and needing me and knowing that I'm there ignoring his shrieks for help. I can be firm when I can tell that he's just being manipulative, but there are times that I can see that he is just really actually afraid and I hate to force him to handle that alone at this age. I don't know if that's right or wrong. I am such a sucker.

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  4. I actually feel bad for you ;) That sounds crazy! Maybe its my OCD or my crazy stress level by bed time but Brandon and I REALLY look forward to the girls bedtime because it is the first time, all day, that we get to spend just as husband and wife and not mommy and daddy. We have your child hood way =) They go up on their own and get their pj's on. Then they come down and give one of us a hug and kiss goodnight (we take turns) whoever is "left" downstairs cleans up from dinner and gets the family room cozy and set for a game or tv show or dare we have time for a movie before we both pass out. The one who goes up watches them brush their teeth, tucks each into bed and reads ONE book. Brooke gets take me out to the ball game sung to her and Cailey gets her prayer...Kisses hugs sweet dreams see you in the morning. Lights out doors cracked and thats all she wrote. Takes about 30 mins haha.

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  5. Jul, Joel and I had a very similar bed time routine (minus the singing) until this year. I'm at work 2-3 evenings/ week. The nights I was home, they both wanted me to put them to bed. So it ended up being me and both kids in Brian's room until they fell asleep. Well, of course, I pretty much always fell asleep, too. This drove Joel crazy! Because, of course, on the nights I WAS at work, he was forced to follow the same routine or hear never ending crying. There goes thoughts of accomplishing anything in the evening. Catch up on DVR'd shows? Nope, too tired. Laundry? Haha. The only thing that usually got done was make the kids' lunches for school the next day. Joel blamed me, because I would never let them "cry it out" when they were babies.
    Anyway, Jan 1st of this year, I announced to the kids.."New year, new bedtime routine. I've been doing this for 8.5 years, and I'm sick of it. We are going to read a book, say prayers, and say goodnight. Brendan (their 4 year old cousin ) has been doing this for years, and he is younger than both of you"(peer pressure, but it worked). Ally cried, but I was strong. Brian just looked like, "yeah I figured this was coming."
    Joel was pleasantly shocked that I did this on my own...and I can't believe all the free time I have in the evenings now. We do still let them fall asleep together, then Joel moves Ally to her bed when she is asleep...at least it is better!
    Kristen

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