Why Do I Keep Choosing The Short-term Payoff?

It's looking like I need to rein in my petulant inner teenager.  I was really a pretty good teen at the time, no major rebellions or anything.  But now, I am finding that the force that kept me alive during the worst of my anxiety and depression is not terribly willing to be relegated to the role of passenger after having that taste of being the driver.

It seems like in almost every situation of short-term vs. long-term gain, the short-term gain is chosen even before things are really thought through.  The teenager, in league with my lizard brain, pounces on any present comfort, completely disregarding the effect of this choice on future outcomes.  For this reason, for example, I am having a terrible time working on the illustration project I've promised to do because I have to get my stuff together, find a clear place or clear a place, and print out some pictures before starting.  This is all too much for me to make myself do, apparently... so far.  Which is, of course, ridiculous.  In short, my Christmas tree ornaments are scattered all over my big desk and I have been unwilling to deal with putting them away in order to get started.  That and printing out the pictures involves my bringing my laptop downstairs and plugging it into the printer.  It sounds so ridiculous!

Self-hating Saturday

When I played a sport or worked toward a degree I remember being told that one has to do it for oneself, not for someone else. It's logical then to conclude that it is unacceptable to be living for someone else and not for yourself.

Wordless Wednesday: Mockingjay

Copyright 2010 Scholastic Publishers

"And I'm going to be 40....some day!"*

http://www.marketday.com/shopping/products.aspx?sk=0&itemid=4521

I have made it to the night before my 40th birthday.
The kids are asleep, and my husband is asleep in there with them.
The dog is eating dinner. <crunch crunch slurp slurp crunch>

I am cross-legged on my bed with my laptop, an old teddy bear of mine, my sleeping/snuggling blanket (that my mom gave me) and a white furry bunny "tummy time" blanket that looks like a bear rug only it's a bunny.  I couldn't bear to give it away.  (Story forthcoming.)

If you are in the habit of checking here, you have noticed that I was not writing much this past week or two.  I've not been functioning all that highly.

Breakthrough!

http://bonobo.rcdc.it/archives/tag/little-april-shower/

I had a breakthrough today at my counseling session. I made some connections that I had not realized before, regarding 2 of my issues: the napping-in-the-car-thing and my negative feelings about growing-up.

I was telling my counselor how in my group session last night we had decided that the nap-thing was not necessarily all about sleep, but more about feeling safe.  I feel safe in my car, lying back and passively listening to the radio or music or sometimes just the wind and birds.   I get to feeling safe and soothed and then sleep follows. Today I realized that when asked the last time i felt safe, my brain goes first to a prominent memory of taking a nap in my bedroom in South Carolina in 1975 or so.

Pigs, Rainbows, and the Invisible Gun

I don't really want to write tonight.  My molar hurts and I don't know if it's one of the ones I know needs to be worked-on or not.  I refuse to deal with it or acknowledge it.  I want to stay lying on my stomach in my daughter's pinkly-lit room on her bed, next to her, with my little son on the makeshift trundle on my right.  I want to lie with the beginning chapters of Charlotte's Web on my mind, dimly remembering playing on and under the unfinished basement steps of my childhood, pretending to be Templeton, the rat, after watching the cartoon special.  In those days, you could see between the steps and children could play in the space under them, in the

My Lizard Brain Loves Chic-fil-A Sauce and Naps

First, let us establish that both Chic-fil-A sauce and Dr. Pepper are made with crack.  (No, this is not a comment about Whitney Houston.)  I am just so terribly hooked on having waffle fries with Chic-fil-A sauce that I think it is going to be a real problem with regard to weight loss.  I had a large fry with sauce for breakfast/lunch and a medium Dr. Pepper.  Then my daughter insisted that what she wanted most in the world for her "girl time" after school snack (my son was in daycare) was to go to Chic-fil-A.  Being the ever-dutiful mother, after some grousing about not spending more money there (I am such a hypocrite), we went and sat in the two-person table just like she wanted.  And I had another small fry with sauce and a medium Dr. Pepper.

"We are, each of us, a multitude."

I had my Women's Cognitive Therapy Group tonight.  We listened to a pretty standard type of guided meditation used in mindfulness-based cognitive therapy that had us check in with all the different parts of our body to see where we were holding any anxiety or stress.  If you have not tried one of these, they can be very relaxing... they can also be difficult to do because it requires you to slow down and methodically check in on each area of your body.  I find it difficult and often inconvenient to do this I'm upset about something or feeling anxious.  Sometimes as I try to do it, I feel like a car with it's wheels spinning, trying to go 80mph, with the brakes on.  It's hard to slow your mind when it wants to race around.  But with practice, this becomes a skill that you can eventually use to invoke calmness almost instantly, at any time.

I didn't have trouble easing into this one tonight though, because I had one of those "lost" days today,

TOOLBOX: Psychological Counseling, YES please.

Image from Psychology Today

I wish I had known when I was in crisis in 1997 or so that seeking psychological counseling and even care from a psychiatrist is really just not that big of a deal.  I was all wracked with guilt and shame at concept of not being able to cope well enough with my life,  of needing help.  I saw it as an admission of failure and inadequacy of the mind, of weakness.  I have a friend I am leaning on to seek counseling right now and I'm pretty sure she is viewing the prospect in the same light.  So I thought, maybe others might need to know what I was telling her.  Now, not every person who seeks counseling is in crisis and not every person is in the grips of major depression or anxiety, but I am going mainly from my own experience, and I was a mess.

NUTSHELL: NPR Fresh AIr Interview: Risks & Rewards of Yoga

Have you ever done yoga?  A few years ago I started out doing "Gentle Yoga" at my gym and found it to be really relaxing and a nice refuge, especially since my gym had free childcare for two hours.  There was a very interesting interview on Fresh Air (NPR: WHYY Philadelphia) today with the author of a book on what research has been able to find out about what yoga does to your body and how it affects your mood.  It's definitely worth a listen if you have about 40 minutes.  If not, you can check the link above to read more about what was said, or here is what stuck with me:

• There are many flavors of yoga.  Find out exactly what kind of class you are joining.
  
• Start slow.  Don't think that after six weeks you should be able to do every pose.  Don't let your instructor tell you otherwise.
  
• Avoid poses that put extra strain on your neck, like the "plow" and others that bend your head far forward.  You can rupture or damage the little blood vessels in the topmost vertebrae and then pop a clot to your brain, which can be devastating or fatal.
  
• Yoga relaxes your body, especially if you do the proper breathing (slow) with it.  This can lower your metabolism.  BUT, since you get so much more relaxed, you may find yourself able to avoid giving into cravings and this is the reason you might lose weight, not cardio calorie burn.
  
• Little to no certification is required to teach yoga.  This can be abused, so you might want to ask what your teacher's background is. 
  
• There are many yoga instructors that are doing good work in trying to make yoga safer for all practitioners.  For example, by placing supports behind the shoulders or neck to make the more difficult/dangerous positions safer.
  
• Yoga is most beneficial when done daily, even for as little as 10 minutes a day.  The working of the muscles and increase in blood flow to the spine helps reduce dessication of your vertebral disks, which is what leads to a lot of back problems as you age, and is also the reason people seem to shrink with age.
  
• Yoga can increase sexual response and satisfaction.  Who knew?!
  
• Because yoga relaxes the body, it works on the parasympathetic nervous system (As he described it, the sympathetic nervous system revs you up for fight or flight, the parasympathetic system is like the "brake" and pulls you back into a relaxed state.).  Because of this, it can really affect your mood and bring you into a calmer, more relaxed and present state, which is great for counteracting stress and anxiety.
  
• Anything, taken to extreme, can be dangerous.  Use common sense.

Get Off My Chest - Part 1

http://m.tacker.org/blog/830.la-z-boy-redford.html

Now that I am here, safely ensconced in an overstuffed leather comfy chair at Starbucks and the kiddos are in the free childcare service that they have here at Annapolis Mall (Annapolis, MD, USA),  the less-than-a-respectably-adequate-mother-passing-her-children-off-to-strangers feeling I always get from taking advantage of that service is being diluted by warm, reassuring chai.

I have a few things to say to certain people.  Some of them are long though, so I'm going to break it up.