I was listening to The Diane Rehm show last night where she interviewed the author of The Midday Demon--An Atlas of Depression. He did such an excellent job of describing what it feels like to be down in the pit. I remember him saying he would be faced with brushing his teeth and would feel like like how was he ever going to be able to brush all of his teeth, that it was just too much.
He also talked about the importance of having a support network, i.e. friends. I have the girls in my group who I only see twice a month, one who used to be my neighbor who I don't see too much, a fee other neighbors I see occasionally, and my old friends from other locations that I pretty much only see on Facebook. I have spent this entire week of spring break with both kids by myself, with the exception of one day a neighbor watched my daughter while I was at a doctor's appointment and which playdate ended up spanning the whole afternoon--which was very unusual actually.
Our new neighbor seems like a promising possible friend.
We are going to go to the movies together tonight. I haven't gone to the movies with someone who was not my husband in...at least 10 years, if not more. We are, of course, going to see The Hunger Games. It should be a welcome escape, although I hope it does more to get my crush out of my system than to exacerbate it.
If you read yesterday's post, you know what a disaster that was. My husband seemed concerned when he got home, but I was uncommunicative. I got a little better with dinner and higher blood sugar. I snuggled the kids to sleep as usual, and he kissed us and went downstairs, also as usual. And that was all I heard of him for the night. Of course I could've checked on him, but I thought maybe he needed to be away from Mrs. MentalBreakdown. I would. It bothered me that he didn't check on me though, considering the day, although he likely was trying to let me decompress and go to sleep before he came up and snored. We've talked about this though, my dad used to make a big deal about not just disappearing off to bed but making an effort to say goodnight. I now have the same sensitivity. Then today he wanted me to meet him for lunch to make me get out of the house. He said he was missing something he wanted to attend and was telling me, not to make me feel guilty for making me miss it, but to make me feel guilty for being late (which I tend to be). OK. Fair. Then both times I talked to him on the phone he just hung-up by saying "bye," which was very unlike him. He always says "Love you," even if I don't, which I often don't. It's not my thing. I'm betting he was not even aware of this stuff. The Female Brain cites a stat, which I'll get, that says how much more women get out of an exchange with regard to facial expression, tone, body language, etc. but I was being subtly rejected today. I could feel it, even if he wasn't aware of it. Now he's home and his temper seems short with the kids... I imagine because I arranged with my neighbor to go see that movie a second time and he hasn't seen it once and I've stuck him with the kids. I fully plan on making dinner, which should be the main thing that matters to him, but I guess I still suck. I was not considerate that maybe he has been wanting to spend time with me, though I certainly wouldn't want to spend time with me if I could help it. I'm probably reading too much into everything, as usual...
Ahh... He wants to have a few words with me about how he feels about my going to the movie and not in front of the kids. Great. So now that I'm slated
to do it I'm not going to be able to do it I won't be able to enjoy it because I'll know he's angry. Great.
I know I've had a bad week. That I've been a bad wife and mother. He knows my neighbor and I had been talking about going to see the movie. He's either mad that I'm going with her to see it for the second time before he sees it once or he feels abandoned or both. Guess I should've picked a different night to work on having a new friend. I already feel bad now. Great. Guess I get to go make burgers now for everyone. We planned to go at 8:30 for the 9PM movie... I thought that was being thoughtful. Maybe he doesn't want me to spend the money... No, I don't really think its' that. He feels abandoned. That's my bet. He's had to put up with all of my sh*t all week and been worried and then first chance I have to be gone, I'm off without checking with him first. I should've checked first. I usually do, for almost everything. I just thought the chance to be better friends with our neighbor was worth grabbing. Dammit. Another thing I've screwed up this week.