Thursday, April 5, 2012

Parenting Fail

Google said from Etsy but Etsy said didn't exist.
I did not function today.  Well, hardly.  I seemed to sleep OK.  I took only 1 Ativan to ensure sleep the night before, but like yesterday, after waking when my husband left and the kids were awake, they went down to the basement to watch TV (just for a while, I thought to myself) and I fell back asleep.  Then it was noon.  It was so quiet and peaceful in my room.  My daughter is old enough to get them cereal or granola bars or drinks if they want them.  My son is old enough to go potty by himself.  I have hit the light at the end of the tunnel, some would think.  I treasured the peace around me too dearly to drag myself from there to sibling rivalry, whining, and all the untouched tasks of the day.  Then it was some time later.  I checked on the kids, who were fine.  We watched a Strawberry Shortcake together and then I went upstairs and made them both a good healthy lunch.

I called them up to eat and they did.  Then I went upstairs with the intention of getting dressed.  Really.  Then the lizard brain took over and I was back in bed.  The kids were not watching TV anymore, they were playing up and downstairs.  I could hear them playing happily.  I intervened when there was strife, but for the most part they were really good.  I likely dozed here and there.  At some point I did actually get dressed and made my bed and so was then lying on top of the bed under a throw that my mother had gotten me.  It is comforting.

My husband called.  I admitted the day to him.  He was on his way home.  I got the kids into the car to get to the vet to get the dog's medicine in order to have accomplished at least one thing before he got home.  When I got down to the living/dining room, I was greeted by some kind of construction done by my daughter that involved moving all of the furniture around that she could move, labeling things with paper, and general disarray.  My son had tried to do something with a gluestick on the floor, luckily it was on tile.  The shock of the complete dissolution of what little order there was on the main floor turned my stomach.  I just left it.

We ended up having to return in an hour for the dog's medicine as they were having a busy day.  My husband was home when we got home.  The kids were elated and raced out of the car and into the house.  My daughter asked if I was happy he was home.  I said yes.  Then she said something about how "now you won't have to take care of us."  I couldn't even respond to how that felt.  It's kinda funny for me, but I didn't do a lot of crying during the day.  Most days before had been pretty weepy when I was not doing well.  Today I just had no fight in me.  Not much judgement either.  I guess I had sunk low enough in my own estimation that even though these new lows might be worthy of raised eyebrows, that's about all I had.  All the more reason to listen to the Paul Simon my daughter was blasting and cease thinking. 

Inside, I heard them greeting him and playing instruments, which must've had something to do with the arrangement of things in the living/dining room.  My daughter is always putting on "shows."  I sat on the stoop outside and got some air and sun.  The "music" stressed me out some so I went back into my car and locked the doors.

My precious car.  My capsule.  My safe place.  It was quiet there.  And since I had the only key, I could lock the doors and shut out the entire world.  No one could get me.  My husband had the kids.  I could be alone without neglecting anyone.  What a relief.

I think part of today I was waiting for the faceless guy to return, the one who saw value in me, the one who was so dashing and romantic those few times in my dreams.  He did not return.  A dream-friend said I should just contact him and see what was up.  I couldn't seem to do it.  I was very sad that he had moved on.  I felt I couldn't even maintain the interest of my own dream-men, even with my old body and without the kids, with my mind somewhat intact like it used to be.  Pretty sad.  I did have some tears for losing him.  I had been so happy during those moments when he was real to me.

Eventually my husband and the kids and I grabbed dinner at a diner and picked up the dog's medicine.  He is putting them to bed now and letting me write.  He's going to want to talk about today.  I don't.  I just want to stay unconscious and go looking for nameless, faceless guy or meet someone new.  Be a more acceptable me.  Leave this all behind. 

Not possible.  So what is going to happen tomorrow?  I have to do better.  I could have done better today, I just didn't want to try anymore and for once I actually didn't.  Maybe I wanted to see what would happen if I didn't try.  I've been fighting for so long.  I didn't fight today.  I actually don't know what will happen tomorrow.  Maybe my husband will take the day off.  That would not be good.  He should not have to do that.  I need to function.  I just don't want to anymore.  Functioning doesn't do anything for me except save me the grief of hurting my children through neglect.  Obviously it does something for them, which should matter.

What if my husband did this?  Just stopped trying?  Why do I think I have license to do this?  I wasn't thinking about things like that today though.  Today was lizard-brain's day.  Executive function was offline.  My mechanic hasn't got any new parts or additives for me.  I'm just supposed to do what is best in order to function for functioning's sake.  It's hard to do things when you don't have rewards, like satisfaction, pleasure, happiness, pride.  I'm not sure how I'm going to get out of this.  I don't have a lot of choice.  I either function or drag my family down with me.  We can't afford full-time child care.  I shouldn't be allowed to just bow out anyway.  What a mistake this all was.  Not the kids themselves, they are both wonderful and priceless in and of themselves, but having them, the past six years, have been very very bad for me.  I suppose you need to tear down the old to build up the new.  There was a time when I had a vision of what I could be.  Even envisioning it now seems to take too much energy, or to be too futile or sad or something.  I sure wish faceless man would retrieve me.  I don't know what could happen in real life to make things better.

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